This feels so damn hard. Making a record is like giving birth.
This is album 4. I am going through snippets of songs from the past 5 years. It is a painful process, less fun than other albums. As I go through these hours of video and scribbled ideas I find myself judging myself.
In fact, I am pretty sure it’s not healthy. But really, it’s overwhelming to see how much I suck. I shouldn’t write that, blah blah, be positive. I get that, but if I don’t get these darker feelings out, how do I excavate those judgements and move past into acceptance?
I find when you look at your own songs, you are looking at a summation of your life experiences to a certain extent. You notice patterns. You think, I don’t want to sing about the same things (especially the sad ones), but they come up a lot. I find myself starting to reinterpret or rewrite what I wrote. Sometimes, that is an evolution of self and it is good. Other times, I want to make sure I am remaining true to the spirit and moment that inspired a song or melody, and not whitewashing the rawness or even foolishness of the emotion.
It’s almost like wanting to virtue signal with your music. Or like, how we act on social media to pretend everything is exciting and fun and wonderful, when maybe it’s not. You start to think, damnit why can’t I get XYZ together. There’s a temptation to pretend with a song that I am someone I am not…
I stop myself from making the changes, but it’s not always easy or clear to really understand your own art. I am committed to the sincere pursuit of it though.
This is not to say I am not evolving. I am, and am grateful for that. I won’t always manage the gratitude on a daily when I feel like a wounded warrior forced to get up day after day and fight. But I do get up. And some days are fantastic.
I am trying not to judge my failings, or even see them that way as each thing adds up to me which I DO think is getting better.
And as I reread this, I realize calling my experiences failings isn’t accurate. They really are gifts that help me grow, albeit reluctantly at times.
Either way, this album feels different and more exploratory. I hope it works out. I think it will be OK, and I am lucky that I have Will to work with 🙂
In the meantime, I don’t like rummaging around in my own emotional closet. It’s hard and I don’t like being social. It’s the summer, and I am supposed to be out drinking Froze (not gonna lie, that’s a great invention). It’s not like I am a total hermit either. But I hope to go a bit into the darkness, and find some sustainable light within.
The best part will be sharing it with everyone <3 There is nothing more gratifying than this creation, taking the bad and making it good. It’s the best way I think I can honor moments in my life, even if they are a bit artsy 🙂