I wrote this as a 2 part thing (really just one that got long, and one is sad and the other more optimistic. The one below is sad, the other is happier)
Some music for the mood:
It’s been a really intense 2017. I almost can’t tell what year it is, it has gone by so fast. I think that happens as you get older. Sort of how a trip gets better toward the end, maybe because you realize the end is coming and the time is finite.
I lost my grandma in May, who I guess was probably the closest person to me. I don’t talk about it too often, since I immediately start crying and that’s not exactly appropriate. I don’t think I have dealt with it so much, since I am always busy. I was busy when she was alive, I am less so now. She required a lot of care, and I neglected care of myself in the midst of the work and family whirlwind, so in a weird way, things are more calm now. But I am still busy and it helps distract me from the reality that I won’t see her again.
I think this is the first time in my life where that reality has started to seep into my consciousness. That we are not here forever, and holy sh-t, I better make it count. But more on that later…
She’s still in my favorite people to call list on my iPhone. I haven’t gone through her jewelry, though sometimes I open her jewelry box just so I can smell her.
It’s incredible the power of that smell. I still have my Polish grandfather’s hat for years now. I have done it so I can relive moments with him from the Old Spice lingering on.
I have only listened to a few of the many voicemails I saved, anticipating the end. The one I love the most right now is where she announced the birth of my niece, Stella, her namesake. I am so glad she got a chance to know her for a little while.
The holidays passed, so damn busy, and I don’t know if I fully appreciated how much I missed her. I was sitting here on this last morning of 2017, writing a tweet, that turned into a blog/journal entry, and now here I am weeping. I am glad for the release, maybe this is part of it.
So for now, Babcia, I love you, and I think of you every day. Dziadzusz, you were always so kind and I will never forget how you would do anything for me. They really do live on in my heart at least.
Thankfully, I have not lost too many others. Grandpa Wally was a long time ago, but it’s still nice to think of him and hear stories about him from my other grandma Rosie (who is still going strong in Florida). I will never forget Harvey Rosen as one of the kindest people I have ever met. He was so patient, always made time to help me through hard times by listening and being supportive and insisting I demand better for myself. He never expected anything in return, and gave me a really fun job that paid well where I wasn’t abused (the music business is rough y’all).
I will tell you one thing, I am SO GRATEFUL for all the time I had with them, and all of you. It was so hard with Babcia especially, but I am so lucky. We are all lucky for every second we are here, and it’s so hard to stay present in that perspective when things happen. I hope to keep that in mind in 2018…. Click here for the 2018 resolutions and plans.